Animal Instinct..

Suddenly I feel a surge of enthusiasm in life that I haven't felt for long. And it is all because of Cranberries and this song of theirs -

Suddenly something has happened to me
As I was having my cup of tea
Suddenly I was feeling depressed
I was utterly and totally stressed
Do you know you made me cry
Do you know you made me die

And the thing that gets to me
Is you'll never really see
And the thing that freaks me out
Is I'll always be in doubt
It is a lovely thing that we have
It is a lovely thing that we
It is a lovely thing, the animal
The animal instinct

So take my hands and come with me
We will change reality
So take my hands and we will pray
They won't take you away
They will never make me cry, no
They will never make me die

And the thing that gets to me
Is you'll never really see
And the thing that freaks me out
Is I'll always be in doubt

The animal, the animal, the animal instinct in me
It's the animal, the animal, the animal instinct in me
It's the animal, it's the animal, it's the animal instinct in me.

Very contrary to the lyrics, I have instantly started to feel just great! It's amazing, what music can do to you.

Life, as we know it, is really strange.

~ Ankur.

Crib session (one more)..

Of late, this blog has assumed a totally different role in my life. When I started with this, it was all happy and cheerful. And now all I do here is vent. But that's the way it is.

So I do not post anything interesting now because I do not read anything these days, and as a result do not come across anything interesting. I don't write about anything happening because it seems nothing happens now in life.

I think I can attribute most of it to the extended hours I spend at work. That just kills me - in a manner of speaking. Lifestyle issues, which seemed such an elusive thought, have cropped in big time. And when all this is happening around me, I get to read this -



Great.

~ Ankur.

Job dissatisfaction..

Job dissatisfaction has finally started to creep in - the fact that it took 10 months to do that, is a wonder.

Business research is highly dissatisfying. You're never doing your own thing. And rightly so, since you do not have the expertise to do it anyway. It doesn't help even if you do it for years together. What functional expertise do you develop? - nothing seemingly tangible. Your domain expertise is useless. Because what do you know? - a highly superficial account of what has been happening, and what others say will happen. Research is a highly misleading term in business research. After a while you start craving for some real understanding of what you are dealing with.

Therefore, there is an urge to go back to the academia, and start from first principles. But with the given track record, I have my own reservations on how long I will survive in a technically inclined setup. Moreover, will that experience make me come back to the same place - would I not want to do something more worthwhile after that? Which brings me to the question - do I actually wish to do what I am doing, in the long run? If not, what do I wish to do? I think I wish to be extremely knowledgable about something and do work - any work - related to that. If it has to do with the larger picture, then great. Yes, I think that would be a fair description of what I would like to do.

There is another thing I dislike a lot. The problem of people doing perception management rather than actual work. The focus is so much more in doing well in the short run, that learning is being sidelined completely. All around I witness people just managing the 10 parameters to get a better rating, to leave a better impression. The system of meritocracy seems to be more of a pretence now. Moreover, so early in one's career, there is an equal focus on people management. I really would like to just not deal with that for some time in my career.

I don't know where this is going, but I think you get the idea. Perhaps the stuff I have written here are just the feelings for a short while, and may not last for long, and my views may turn topsy turvy very soon. I hope that happens. I hope I reach the topsy turvy island soon.

~ Ankur.

Secret Garden..

There's a certain melancholy that always seeps in with the hours of the twilight. The dusk brings a stillness with itself, a slight haze. Maybe it is also because of the Springsteen songs that I am listening to. They've always made me calm and pensive - like now.

I leave you with a photograph of from my institute at dusk, and a few lines from Springsteen's 'Secret Garden'..

She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get to that place where
You can't remember and you can't forget

She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay a million miles away..

- Bruce Springsteen

A million miles away..

~ Ankur.

I want to break free..

I have gotten into the viscious circle of not posting anything, which increases the threshold to post, and hence I do not post anything - while I would like to do that.

I feel something like this -

I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied I don't need you
I want to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free

I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the first time
And this time I know it's for real
I've fallen in love, yeah
God knows, God knows I've fallen in love

It's strange but it's true
I can't get over the way you love me like you do
But I have to be sure
When I walk out that door
Oh how I want to be free, baby
Oh how I want to break free,
Oh how I want to break free

But life still goes on
I can't get used to, living without, living without,
Living without you by my side
I don't want to live alone, hey
God knows, got to make it on my own
So baby can't you see
God knows, gods know, gods know
I've want to break free

- Queen

Soon. Very soon. Someway. Somehow.

~ Ankur.